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my fucked up life

April 17th, 2006 (12:44 pm)

My mom pulled me aside the other day for a discussion about my excessive use of internet time, since I spent basically all day Friday and Saturday on the computer, because every last one of my 'friends', or so I am forced to call them, were busy.

Apparently, my mom now thinks I'm anti-social. She says I need to socialize with REAL PEOPLE, because you guys are not actual human beings. I DO socialize with people around here. But I can't help hating where I live. And half of the reason I HATE where I live is my parents!!!

I mean, I want to be able to do stuff like a normal human being. I'm not even fucking allowed to DATE people. I can't express my support for other sexualities. It's even gotten to the point that my mom made me switch the song on the way to church in the car when 'Just Some Guy' by Anthony Rapp came on, because of what it was promoting. It's just...dammit.

SO. If I'm going to have any hope of getting on during my birthday AT ALL, I'm going to have to save up my hours. If I don't get on at home AT ALL until Friday, my bet is she won't be so effed up about it all. So, that's the plan. Maybe I'll get on a wee bit in the morning. I've even got a plan that I'm going to tell my mom I'm staying after for a game at school on Friday and hide in the school library. Tell you more about it later. Probably what's gonna happen is I'll say I'm going to the soccer game Friday, and stay in the library until about seven PM central time. Do the math. After that I can't guarentee much, because my parents will probably be all, 'It's your birthday! We need to go out to dinner, and do this, and do that...'


April 15th, 2006 (12:51 pm)
current location: Family Computer Room
current mood: determined
current song: Planet Z - Idina Menzel

OK, my birthday presents so far.

I have already been given a cyber chocolate cake, which I exchanged at the cyber Price Chopper for sugar cookies. Thanks for the thought, hon, but I dun like chocolate.

Anyways...my mom called me downstairs last night after I'd gotten off. She said something along these lines.

Mom: OK, Kels, I know what you want for your birthday.
Me: -gets extremely excited-
Mom: BUT -heart drops- your dad thinks you should get presents.
Me: -ready to cry- So...we're not...?
Mom: No, it's still happening. -tries not to scream- But you get to choose a few small presents. VERY SMALL presents. And if you want, you and Becca can go and do something Saturday the day after your birthday. But we're gonna try and make this trip work.
Mom: All we have left is to find somebody to watch your brother.
Me: ...I thought it was just gonna be you and me...?
Mom: No, your father should come too. New York's a big city, and it's been a while since I've lived up there. So it's probably gonna be the three of us. Because your brother would not enjoy a trip to New York.
Me: -shakes head- No, he wouldn't.
Mom: So, once we have somebody offer to watch your brother, it's going to happen.

...Anybody think they could fly down to Kansas one week in early June and watch my brother? Anybody? ANYBODY?!?! PLEASE!!!!!


April 14th, 2006 (04:56 pm)

current location: Family Computer Room
current mood: ecstatic
current song: No Trace - Adam Pascal

I can't handle it. I mean, it's just ONE WEEK.

Oh, and here's the lovely summation of exactly what the plans for my birthday are. (Well, technically it's Mark's birthday online.)

Me (as Mark): Do I not get a say about what happens on my birthday? At all?!
Laura (as Angel): ...You can pick what flavor cake you want.
Dani (as Mimi): And who you want in it. ;)

Jokes like that are what's making me fear getting on in a week.

But I can't wait to be sixteen.

How fried can a brain get?

April 12th, 2006 (05:37 pm)

current location: Family computer room
current mood: drained
current song: Ben playing Game Cube

I have the answer to that question. So fried, you feel like taking a nap until the start of the next day...oh, sometime around noon.

OK, so. Woke up at 5:30 as usual to go to bible study school. Now, what's weird is, for the first time for a bit, I didn't get on my laptop the night before. So I slept plenty. But for some reason, when the alarm went off, I just turned it off and tried to go back to sleep. That didn't work, and soon my head was screaming at me, GET UP! So I quickly got ready in five minutes to rush to bible study school on time.

I think that set up the day for me.

Got home, had my usual eggs for breakfast. Decided to wear jeans and a long-sleve t-shirt. Got up to school, deciding to listen to particularly loud music on the way up. I'm getting a little louder every day.

So, free period first hour. Got on my laptop, got nothing done. Didn't really see anybody, since I got to school about fifteen minutes early. So, after 45 minutes of nothing, go to the choir room for choir. And everybody there is wearing suits and skirts and slacks and general 'dress-up' clothes.

Ho-shit, Cum Laude.

Cum Laude is basically private school National Honors Society. A few juniors and seniors get inducted into it, those that are at the top of the class. One of those long traditions my school has. So everybody's supposed to dress up, cause a shit load of alumni come.

And I'm wearing jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt from American Eagle that says '<3 Breaker'.

So, starting at 8:45, in about ten minutes time, I get permission from the choir director to miss class, I call home, telling my mom I need to be dressed up, she refused to bring clothes up for me, told me to come get them myself, I accepted, had to call her back from the front office so she could inform the lady at the desk that I had permission to leave campus (she had fallen back asleep), and I ran out to my car in the parking lot.

8:55, I'm pulling out of school. And somehow, in the ten minutes it takes to get home, I saw THREE cops. When I'm not supposed to be driving except to and from school for nine more days. In the middle of school hours. Luckilly, no incident. 9:05, at home, choose something to wear. 9:15, leave home, head back to school.

Mind you, a trip to school takes about ten minutes, as I said before. Well, history starts at 9:30 on days we have assemblies. Such as Cum Laude. So I knew, in theory, I would have five minutes to get in the building and into class.

9:25. Pulling into school, going up to my RESERVED spot to park again. And some idiot alumni has parked there, disreguarding the RESERVED sign for the ENTIRE loft.

9:27. -Yes, I was looking at the clock A LOT.- I find a spot, about a mile away from school. (OK, not literally.) RUNNING in my high heels, I don't think I've ever used the word fuck in spoken word as much as I did in the minute or so I RAN up to the building. 'Fucking idiots, the lot is fucking reserved for students, and I'm fucking gonna be late for fucking History, why do we fucking have to dress up for the fucking Cum Laude...'

9:29. I made it. On time. Somehow. Oh, but who should greet me but Kevin, a boy I've been working on a Spanish project with. 'Kels, you have the poster?'


No, I have no poster. And I can't go back to get THAT too, dammit. At least I didn't have to tell that to Kevin. 'It's OK, I have free period.' (He's such a sweetie.) 'We...just kinda need a poster...' So, I RUN into the Spanish room, telling him I'm about to be late for History, and grab the first poster board I see. Something I used on a last project. I hand him the poster upside down, saying, 'Put the pictures on the back side.' 'OK.'

9:30. I literally ran into History as he was shutting the door. And there was this fly buzzing around my head during the entire class. Like, 'Ha, ha, you suuuuck...' I swear, I wanted to fucking kill that fly...

10:15-11:00, Cum Laude. Pointless, since sophs don't even get considered for induction. I nearly fell asleep.

Right after that, Spanish. Ryan, me and Kevin's other partner in our group, is holding a piece of paper, as is Kevin. Shit, we needed to SPEAK for the presentation TOO. It wasn't just a fucking poster. So, I had to give my third of the presentation on the fly. Translated: 'Transportation in the past was okay. There were cars, but they weren't comfortable. They didn't go fast. There were planes, but they were new and they weren't comfortable. There were boats that used...-doesn't know how to say 'steam', changed mind- Not many people traveled in the past.'

Yeah, I flunked it, most likely.

Survived Spanish, then got through English. Lunch. Menu: PIZZA! FINALLY, SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS. Oh, no, sorry, we handed the last pizza to the person in front of you in line, and we didn't make enough. So you get to wait fifteen minutes.

So I ate one slice of charred pizza with five minutes to go before Algebra. I make it just in time again, and by this point I am in DIRE need of a nap of some sort. From this point on, things kind of blurred together. I remember getting a 79 on my Algebra test we got back, and nearly falling asleep in Forensics while looking for material for next year when I'm not even sure if I'm gonna be on the team. And chemistry I sat at the bored with the problem in front of me going, 'How the FUCK do I do this' with everybody else just wizzing on through...

And I got home alive. I know that much. Doesn't feel like it, but since I still feel completely fried I can't be dead. I am probably not going to get on my laptop again tonight. But I'm on now.


April 10th, 2006 (11:35 pm)

current location: In bed, fighting sleep. XD
current mood: complacent
current song: Visits To You - Anthony Rapp

That's TEN in Spanish for you morons. As in number of days left until I turn sixteen. Yeah. I can't wait. NEXT FRIDAY, ALL OF THE RENT-HEADS RPERS ARE REQUIRED TO BE ON!!! I mean, seriously. Since I'm not having an actual birthday party, you guys gotta be on so I can have fun.

On the bright side, there is a reason I'm not having a party. Things are looking up on the trip to NYC in early June. And that might be my birthday present.

Stoked? HELL YES!

So, I need EVERYBODY'S help. I need to decide what musicals to tell my mom I wanna see.

She said pick three musicals, but if one of them is really expensive (a la Wicked) to provide a fourth, less expensive choice just in case. RENT is on the list. No taking it off. DUR. So that's, in essence, TWO MORE SHOWS TO PICK.

Now, please keep in mind I live in Kansas, well over 1500 miles away. This is already going to be an EXTREMELY pricey trip. So, if you guys have any pointers on how I can get cheep tickets for these shows, especially if you live in the area...that would be wonderful.

The cheeper I can get these tickets, the more likely it's gonna happen, and the more likely the one thing I HAVE to do before I die is gonna happen. ^^

Two weeks

April 7th, 2006 (08:01 am)

current location: School Library
current mood: cranky
current song: Goodbye - Anthony Rapp

Two of the longest weeks of my life.

In two weeks, I will have a freedom legally opened to me. As a sixteen year old, I can drive anywhere in the 48 connected states.

Many people who know me know how much I despise the area I live in. Midwest-Suburbia USA. None of the people at my school are homosexual, and therefore such a community is the brunt of multiple rude and insulting jokes. Unfortunately, the last time I tried to stand up for these people, many of whom I know personally, whether IRL or on the net, I was accused of being a lesbian. Not that I minded that part. Until somehow (this is my private school, where everybody knows everything about everybody) my mom found out. And she rode my ass about it for at least a month.

Not only that, but there is little other diversity. We're a white bread community, filled with caucasian kids with well respected parents with jobs that bring in enough money to fork out over a grand a month to send their kids to this school. The most diverse it gets is maybe a grand total of five out of two hundred kids who are African-American, and a few Asian people, and a few Muslim people.

Well lately - and I'm being quite serious - I've wondered what my options would be if I tried to leave.

Here's what my ultimate fantasy is. I find a friend somewhere far away who wouldn't mind that I was a high school drop out. Somewhere far away. Somebody who doesn't know that much about my real life, like never met me in person. Ideally that friend, whoever they happened to be, would live somewhere big, like NYC. And I would become a high-school dropout.

If it meant getting out of this stupid society I live in, I might do it. And technically, the opportunity is opened up to me legally in two weeks.

Then my rational brain kicks in and messed up my fantasy. If you drop out of high school, you can't go to college. If you don't go to college, you can't finish your education in musical theatre. And if you don't finish your training, most musicals out there on the Great White Way don't take to hiring half-trained performers. And that would mean I kissed my dream goodbye.

But then we look more into the future. Money would be a serious issue. Jobs would be hard to get without a high school degree. Sure, my 'dream' is not to become a Mormon mom and reproduce the earth like I'm supposed to and like my parents want me to do.

And besides. I probably wouldn't get a hundred miles before I chickened out.

Hey. Fantasys like that are fun, even if they aren't really possible. Technically they are, but in all theory, it would be impossible. Besides, my parents are the kind who would put on this massive nation-wide search for me because they thought I had been kidnapped.

I had a dream last night I did run away. I left a note to them, and my mom was crying. That kind of freaked me out. I may be quite rebellious when it comes to this community and my family and their 'standards', but the thought of actually scaring my mom and dad...Come on. I'm a good daughter. I love 'em to bits. And my little brother, who has Autism, I imagined him going into some kind of depression because I wasn't there watching him. Sometimes I know more about what's going on with him than my mom, because my mom hasn't been a fifth grade in this time. I feel like I'm the person who understands him so well that...

Yeah. I'm a sentimental freak.

So which do I do? Be a rebellious freak and run away, or follow the much more logical path and stay here?

Hey, I can look at it this way. At the end of this year, I'll only have...two...years...


Sleep? Who needs it.

April 3rd, 2006 (04:28 am)

current location: -blink- Woah. New place to fill in! FUN!
current mood: hyper
current song: The Kite - You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown

So I'm technically waking up in an hour. AND I'M NOT TIRED. XD On the contrary, I'm quite awake. Shit, I'm gonna have a hard time tomorrow. ...Today. HA!

Anyways. The countdown's at 18 days! Two weeks from Friday! How exciting. Sweet sixteen. I've been told by Dani and Laura, 'Why would we do a Chat RP and torment Mark?' My response to that? You torment him any other day. Why should him turning...erm...hmm...How old is Mark turning? Hmm. 24. Yeah. Why should him turning 24 be any different?

I can see it now. Another escapade with tea, maybe a few more unwarrented SMOOCHES...Mark's not gonna REACH 25 because of you guys. I dunno if he'll be able to make it through a birthday party. Hell, he might just shoo all of you away. 'NO! GO AWAY! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO! OUT!'

You know, he might just do that.

Then again, the attention would be so fun.

Not that I enjoy the attention he gets NOW. None of it's fun attention, like, 'Oh, Mark, you're doing such a good job with your documentary!' NO, NO, nonono...it's, 'Hey, let's go in the bathroom and pretend to have sex to freak out Mark!' 'I feel like giving Mark a near heart attack by running past him at full speed so that he nearly gets run over by a taxi! YEAH!' 'Won't it be FUN seducing Mark all day to try and get him to tell me something he SWORE to his best friend he wouldn't tell?'

And you admit that you love it. Poor Marky. -huggles her poor Marky- I care for my Marky. I tell him how amazing his documentary is ALL the time. I also compliment him on his fashion sense often as well. What do you guys do? 'Hey, I'm gonna hide your camera! Haaa haaa haaa!'

OK, so I'm laughing. Hard. So hard, I'm afraid I'm gonna wake up my parents.

But really. This isn't funny. Mark's gonna get that concussion one day, and all of you are gonna be so sad, and you'll REALIZE how stressed out he is.

-rolling on the floor, laughing-


March 31st, 2006 (08:05 am)

current mood: tired
current song: A Book Report - You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown

Yeah, I love spelling out acronyms like that. XD

Friday is probably the mosts glorious day of the week. And now I truly appreciate it.

You see, I dunno how many of you know this, but every morning during the week (that's Monday through Friday) I wake up at five thirty to go to an early morning bible study class that is stongly encouraged by our church. For future reference, so I don't have to write 'early morning bible study class' every time, it's called Seminary. It is held from six to six forty-five in the morning in the basement of the teacher's house. Seminary is most of the time held in the church building, but since we don't have enough members in our area we have to make do with what we have. In the past, my mom has gotten up with me and driven me to Seminary, and I've often fallen asleep on the way up/during class/on the way back home/all three. Now I can't do that, since I'm driving.

I can't fall asleep on the way to seminary anymore. I have to stay awake on the way up there, during the class, and on the way back. And then I have half an hour at home to get ready for school and drive up to school. So I'm no longer staying up until eleven at night. Which means time I used to spend chatting with people that sometimes didn't even log on until eleven or later is now...lost.

It's a little odd. But hopefully I'll get used to it. Hopefully being the key word.

...I love Friday.

Hello to my compatriots.

March 30th, 2006 (05:45 pm)

My second day driving in my lovely '03 Taurus...and we get a thunderstorm.

Nothing quite like driving down the street with a dark sky overhead at 3:30 in the afternoon, with shitty visibility because you can hardly see with all the rain on your windshield. Nothing gets your blood pumping and adrenaline REALLY pumping through your bod like being scared shitless and trying to drive at the same time.

Needless to say, since I'm typing this up now, I made it home alive. XD

NOTE: I will be on, since my parents are going out tonight. I'll probably log on sometime between 6:30-6:45 Central time. Do the math. Laura, Dani, and Ellen, if either of you see this, be sure all three of you know it so you can be on.

Sweet Sixteen...almost

March 29th, 2006 (08:36 am)
current mood: accomplished
current song: Planet Z - Idina Menzel

So, I have counted exactly how many days I have until my sixteenth birthday, which is April 21st. The countdown begins at: TWENTY THREE DAYS! HA!

I'm already feeling the liberties of a sixteen-year-old. I drove to school on my own in MY car for the first time today. (In Kansas you're allowed to drive to and from school on your own if your parents let you, but nowhere else.) It was a little nerve-wracking starting the ignition without my mom or dad right next to me. I remembered all those times I had done something stupid like run RIGHT through a four-way stop, or almost rear-ended another car at an intersection...but my mom and dad had already gone back to sleep, so I had to drive.

So, with that, I undid the emergency brake (I have to park on the street, and it goes downhill), shifted to drive...and I drove. Quite thrilling, really. I had Idina Menzel's 'Still I Can't Be Still' blasting out of the stereo, and I've never sung along so freely. (I even closed my eyes at one point when I was stopped at a stoplight, but opened them up SO fast it wasn't even funny and I kinda was freaking out. XD)

I parked with ease (I WAS INSIDE THE LINES! YAY!) in the parking lot, and just at the time I was getting my backpack and shit out of the backseat Jacob (the junior who played Will in Oklahoma, for those of you who remember that experience) got out a few spaces away from me, and he called over to me, "I didn't know you drove!" So I said back, "Yeah, first time on my own!" And he was all, "Sweet! Well, see you later!" And he headed to the building.

So, even though I have told maybe five people, half of the school probably knows now what kind of car I drive, what color it is, where I parked, my license plate number...XD